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Dec 25, 2009, 2:00am

The Civil War Artillery Forum :: General :: Humor :: For those people who build or fix things.

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Topic: For those people who build or fix things. (Read 90 times)

artilleryman
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For those people who build or fix things.
« Thread Started on Feb 20, 2007, 6:55pm »

* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted motorcycle part you were drying.

* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch...."

* ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

* PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

* VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

* OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

* EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggie poo off your boot.

* E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

* TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

* CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

* AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

* TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

* PHILLIPS SCRWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

* AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at GMC or Ford ,neatly
rounds off their heads.

* PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.

* MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

* DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the
next tool that you will need.

* EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency
in foresight.

* JESUS PIN: Any roll pin, spring clip, or similar fastener that when
released, flys away supersonically, never to be seen again, causing you to
shout: "JESUS !!!" as loud as possible

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Norm, 1st SC

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